Flight of the Conchords Fansterpiece

Flight Fansterpiece

Skymall Birthday Wishlist

I love to shop, but not in the traditional "Let's go to the mall and have a girly shopping spree heyday" kind of shopping. As soon as I was old enough to help my mom clip coupons, I gained mad discount bargain shopping skills. I am true to my brand loyalties, despite buying most of my stuff at discount retailers and thrift stores. Growing up, I was a sucker for the "As Seen On TV" commercial products (I still am, if the recently acquired SlapChop in my cupboard is any indication). I've been shopping online since the late 1990's, and get better prices on the things I do buy that way. Although I don't do much shopping from catalogs, I have had a longtime guilty pleasure obsession with SkyMall Magazine.

Nothing produces a case of the "Gimmes" more than Skymall. It's a brilliant airline marketing tactic...fill 136 pages with exciting and unique products, and provide each passenger with a copy at arm's length. I usually ban myself from even pulling the magazine out of my seatback pocket, knowing that I will launch into greedy materialistic consumer mode before I hit 10,000' altitude. But on my flight back from Memphis this weekend, I indulged in a little SkyMall fantasizing. In honor of my upcoming 30th birthday (in 17 days), here is my Skymall wishlist:

Sassybax Perfect-Fit Body Shaper $32.50

NeatDesk Scanner $399.95

Bodyform Fitness Platform $199.95

Leg Lamp (from A Christmas Story) $39.95

Rechargeable iPhone Stand $69.95

LED Fret Electric Guitar $499.95

Magellan Aluminum Wallet $29.95

I've never actually purchased something directly through Skymall, but I have found the items on eBay and purchased them for much less (I still don't know why people pay $30 for an iPod charger when you can get one for less than $3 on eBay...) If these gifts are out of your price range, you can also check out my Amazon Wishlist...and I say this in the least greedy, "I'll still be your friend regardless of the gift" voice possible. I like presents, but I like friends more. Stay tuned for details on my upcoming 30th birthday bash on February 5th...

Just for fun...comment and tell me what your SkyMall obsession items!

The Twilight Years

Twilight Years from Tom on Vimeo.

For all you Twi-hard YSA's that are reaching that "cut off point" soon...or who have been that age for a while. 18 and 33...can their worlds collide?

"You don't have roommates. You propose impossibly fast. You got your mission call from Howard W. Hunter. I know what you are."

"Say it. Out loud. Say it."

"You're in the family ward. How old are you?"

"Eighteen"

"How long have you been eighteen?"

"Fifteen years. Are you afraid?"

"No."

"My friends and I, we're not like your kind. I moved out of the singles' ward years ago."

"I'd rather die than not be with you in your ward. I want to be with you forever."

"You don't know how long I've waited for you. I've loved you ever since you left the Laurels."

Tweeting on a Jet Plane

Tipped off by Someday. Brilliant!

1997 Yahoo! Personals Ads

photo blurred to protect the innocent

The summer before my senior year, my boyfriend was getting ready to leave on his mission. We were coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to "put myself in cold storage for two years." So we thought it would be fun to put up an online personal ad for me on Yahoo (back when dating on the internet was SO faux pas). While we were at it, we did one for him too.

Woman seeks Man: I'm just a Girl!
Salt Lake City, UT
Seeking: Short-term relationship, activity partner, pen pal
Age: 17 Ethnicity: Caucasian Religion: Christian
Profile: Athletic/fit, 5'9", non-smoker, non-drinker, no children

Description: If you're rich, I'm single! Shower me with money and gifts if you wish, but I'd be just as happy going dutch. I am looking for some new friends, preferably LDS, to spend my short abundance of free time with this summer. I consider myself to beautiful, but not fake; Serious, but I know how to have a rockin' good time; Intelligent, but I'm still working on my Nobel Peace Prize; Mega-feminine, but good luck playing sports against me. Affectionate, but I never kiss on a first date. I love to sing, act, learn, and make the most out of life. You'll have to get used to me singing along with the radio in the car, but I sing like a pro! I enjoy anything outdoors, especially hiking, swimming, repelling, camping, and sometimes even gardening! There's a lot more to me than can fit into one paragraph, so if I strike your fancy, "Leave me a message at the beep and I'll get right back to you" <>

Contact: Citrusfruit

*****
Man seeks Woman: I am in a fishing mood
Salt Lake City, UT
Age: 19 Ethnicity: White Religion: Christian
Education: College Employment: Full time
Profile: Slim/Waifish, 6'1", non-smoker, non-drinker, no children

Description: So you want to be a wizard. Looking for a little magic? Well search no further. I enjoy long conversations, as long as I am the one talking. I enjoy a variety of interests as long as I choose. I will go out with anyone as long as you pay. If I sound like your archangel, I am. Time and all eternity as long as I control the remote. Being carried across the threshold?...if you insist but don't hurt your back. If you enjoy a whole 100 pound man, I am your Fabio. If you are looking for an eternal flame, I am your heavenly match. Cuddle on the couch, as long as my team isn't playing. So write me and if I am impressed enough I will think about responding. I take great pride in my humility.

Contact: okiiniwatori

Twelve Utah Christmases

On my first Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree

On my second Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two years on a mission
And the Smart family on my TV

On my third Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Three Degrees of Glory
Two years in Australia
And a First Amendment controver-sy

On my fourth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
4-A high school roundball
Three Sunday meetings
Two years in Korea
And that business with the SLOC

On my fifth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
FIVE-QUART ICE CREAMS
Four firing squads
Three scrapbooks
Two years in Peru
And a movie that's G or PG

On my sixth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six kids and counting
FIVE YEARS OF DROUGHT
Four quilting bees
Three meth labs
Two years in Japan
And a reservoir that's almost emp-ty

On my seventh Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven singing Osmonds
Six kids and counting
FIVE TOM GREEN WIVES
Forbidden love
Three spudnuts
Two years in Brazil
And a single poli-tickle par-ty

On my eighth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight cups of Postum
Seven kids and counting
Six beehive hairdos
FIVE MONTHS OF SNOW
Forty private clubs (for members)
Three-two beer
Two years in Taiwan
And a salty lake that's really stink-y

On my ninth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine percent minorities
Eight kids and counting
Seventies in Conference
Sixteen to start dating
FIVE FEET OF SLUSH (Oh my heck!)
Forgeries for sale
Three-piece suits
Two years in Ukraine
And a fiancée in Happy Vall-ey

On my tenth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten bucks for parking
Nine kids and counting
Eight missing off-ramps
Seven guns per person
Six famous golfers
UTAH BY FIVE
Fourteen ski resorts
Three fault lines
Two years in Detroit
And a minivan or SUV (or both, plus a station wagon)

On my eleventh Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven Mormon temples
Ten kids and counting
Nine NuSkin neighbors
Ate at Chuck-a-Rama
Theven thpecial thpiritth
Six Jell-o salads
FIVE ORRIN TERMS (Oh my Hatch!)
Forecast is cold
Three Eubanks (three?)
Two years in Tibet
And an uncompleted Lega-cy (Highway)

On my twelfth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve-year-old deacons
Eleven kids and counting
Ten percent tithing
Nine zillion seagulls
Ate a bunch of crickets
Seven Peaks in Provo
Six hours to Vegas
FIVE PRO SPORTS TEAMS (if you count indoor football)
Four standard works
Three Nephites
Tooele sucks!
And a Tabernacle Choir CD !!!!!

(This truly is my 12th Christmas in Utah, by the way)
Mad props to spaff.com for this "peculiar" parody

A Little General Conference Humor...

Hope you enjoyed these Puns of Perdition. If these photos don't make sense, you're probably not LDS. Photos courtesy of My Religious Blog

Yes We Can!