Really quick

I'm not sick anymore. I'm happy about that. Z-Pak, popcicles, and a day off work helped me recover from tonsillitis and an ear infection.

Halloween was full of lots of candy. And Rosie was a major flirt.

Right now I'm blogging from Canton, MI. I was lucky enough to get a seat on a totally booked flight from LAX yesterday. Sure, I missed the first flight at 5:00 PM (which consequently had 3 seats left, but I didn't get on the flight due to a broken printer...WTF??) but I did make it on the 10:00 PM flight. It was just over four hours in a cold cabin between two snoring businessmen. I arrived at 5:00 AM, Taylor picked me up, and I crashed on the couch at Mike and Erin's about 6:00 AM. After 3 hours of sleep, we had breakfast, played with adorable 2-year-old William, then headed out. We had lunch at Panera Bread (mmmmmm) then drove to Ann Arbor. I've been looking into jobs there at the University of Michigan. But after driving out there (20 miles on the freeway = 35 min with very little traffic) and going through crowded one-lane streets through Studentville USA, I decided I should be looking at other locations than just UM. It's a cool town. I'm sure that if we move out here, I'll go out and enjoy it. We probably won't venture into Detroit proper on this trip, but it's been interesting to get a taste of the area.

Oh, and we saw "Dan in Real Life." It's great...I recommend it.

p.s. Taylor's still not done with O.E. He's nervous...he has an appointment with a higher-up in Pinnacle's training department on Monday. Hopefully it won't be a pink slip.....

Which is worse?

Is it worse to have tonsilloliths or actually know what they are and how to remove them?

It looks like a trip to the doctor is in order. My right tonsil is swollen, my glands are swollen, my ears hurt, and my nose won't stop running. At first I though it was just allergies, but I'm fearing that I'm coming down with my third case of tonsillitis this year. I'm pretty sure I've got an ear infection too.

Sorry this blog has been abandoned for a few weeks. I haven't had much to say. I'm still not sure about the if/when details of a Detroit move. I haven't had any bursts of creativity or amazingly fun activities to descriptively dissect. I've seen Taylor twice this month, and both visits were lovely.

Maybe if I stay home sick, I'll give a more detailed blog.

My score

For those who only know what's going on in my life through my blog, I just wanted to let you know that I passed my final!

I got a 78%...which is pretty great. I talked to my advisor who said the 54% passing score on the test was equivalent to a B...so I did great.

I'm still not sure how I did so well. So many of my answers were only guesses. But I'm happy nonetheless.

Tonight is Nikki Forova at Genghis Cohen, then a night on the town in Hollywood with some of my favorite Cali people.

The big exhale...

I am done with the semester....at least 99% done for now. I can breathe again. My evenings will be much more free for the next month. Unfortunately, I also think I just bombed the final. After 4 months of studying, analyzing, memorizing, preparing and praying...I thought that I was justified in walking confidently into the University of La Verne testing center.

Boy was I wrong.

For two hours and 80 questions, I was forced to stare at a computer screen with my heart beating fast and my mind blank. I've never been a good test taker, except for in French class (I always seemed to be more intelligent en Francais) Questions were asked that I knew the answer to...but the multiple choice selections never seemed to include the answer I was certain would be correct. All of my silly mnemonic devices (like how you AdaPT to the PATh/Goal theory and SMuRF communication styles) did me NO good. I was left guessing. And most of the guesses were shaky because any of the answers could have been argued to be correct. Terminology that was not used in the textbook, glossaries, and pre-made course flashcards was the majority of the test.

The course that I've been taking is a 12-credit one. Not just a total of 12 credits=1 full-time semester of 1-3 credit course choices. It's 12 credits = pass the class or you don't get credit for the whole 5+ months of work. I'll have one chance to retake it, so hopefully I can redeem myself if I don't get the 54% pass threshold. Usually on tests I'm able to tell right off if I got half the questions right. On this one...who knows.

I have to wait until Monday for my score. So much for a totally relaxing study-free weekend.

At least I have Genghis Cohen to look forward to on Saturday night.

Still Undecided

Yesterday I looked on the Trader Joe's website and found out that there are a couple TJ's in the Detroit metro area. Could moving there really be that bad if I can get my Pirate Booty, smart water, organic sliced mushrooms and Promax bars???

I am still feeling undecided about my future plans. I'm not feeling very settled at work lately...each day a feel twinges of job insecurity that I can't quite put my finger on. I'm happy that Taylor's time in Memphis is drawing short, and I'll probably see him this weekend for our anniversary. But I won't be able to see him for very long...and it troubles me. In my prayers and soul searching, I don't feel like I've gotten a clear answer for what is the best course for my family. When I give people the 2 minute version of the decisions that I'm facing...the usual response is "Your family needs to be together, even if it means Detroit." But the 2 minute version of the decisions I'm facing isn't adequate to tell others of the full weight of the decision.

October will consist of a lot of researching, job-hunting, soul-searching and figuring out the best course for the Bullock family. Hooray for tough life decisions!

Only in California...

Only in California do you see:

A Jaguar parked at the Dollar Tree

A Wal-mart parking lot with more BMW, Mercedes, Porsches, and other luxury cars than sensible economy cars

A spankin' new Bentley stop up traffic on Fairfax just to stop for a coffee and newspaper at the sidewalk vendor

Today is Saturday

Things I need to do today:
Grocery shopping
Take Rosie shopping for a birthday gift
Take Rosie to birthday party
Primary program practice 4:30-6:30
Drop by Weight Watchers to weigh in
Read the last 64 pages of my textbook and take the practice final
Ship out a birthday gift for Taylor
Vacuum
Do more research on Detroit (living areas, schools, jobs, etc)
Pay car payment, credit card bill, electric bill, daycare tuition, and student loan payment

But to be honest...I don't really want to do any of it today. I'm perfectly content in my pajamas, reading random blogs, and snuggling with Rosie on the couch as she watches Spongebob.

Prius Envy

Yesterday, my neighbors two houses down came home from the dealership with a shiny new Toyota Prius. I've been a closet fan of the Prius since my friend's family purchased one a few years ago. And as a self-described "autophile," there's a part of me that has a deep sense of envy when someone I know gets a new car.

I only have to look back one year to the day I came home with the Fittle...my black 2007 Honda Fit Sport. It was unique-looking, fun to drive, and had tons of fun features. I was over-excited for the chance at being the envy of my neighbors. But it didn't take long before someone else got a cooler car, the payments became out of control for our budget, and I knew that having the newest and greatest car wasn't a necessity.

I'm happy with my Camry. It has it's quirks....like a super-sensitive alarm system that blares out for no apparent reason occasionally. But it's dependable and affordable, and a sensible option for a mom. But a small flicker in me feels the "Prius Envy." So here's my little blog about the Prius...and then I can get on with my homework.

My Beautiful Rose

Today is Rosie’s 7^th birthday. My darling, sweet daughter is 7. Lucky number 7.

In some ways, when she came into my life…I didn’t feel ready. I was young; I hadn’t been married as long as I felt necessary before bringing a child into the family equation. I wasn’t sure if I was “grown up” enough to be a mother. But being a mother has helped me “grow up” in ways I’d never expected, nor could have experienced without her.

From her earliest days (i.e. 5 days old) she was thrust into an environment of people who love and adore her. I was unable to care for her as the grips of death tried to beckon me near. As I nearly succumbed to the illness that almost left her motherless, she was taken in by extended family, friends, and ward members. Her happy temperament has instantly endeared many people to her since this time.

Rosie is friendly, empathetic and caring. She seeks out the sad and shy kids and brings them into her circle. She has consoled me on nights that I’ve been sick, depressed, lonely, stressed, and hopeless. We haven’t had the “typical” family life, dealing with divorce, remarriage, and now a loving husband/father that lives on the other side of the country. But out of these trials and experiences, our bond has grown so strong.

We’re buddies. We’re pals. We’re partners.

She has a zest for life. She scatters happiness and hope everywhere she goes. She has a quick wit and infectious smile. She’s willing to try new things. She tries to act grown up, but then her streak of silliness will remind me that she’s 20 years younger than me.

And she’s beautiful, adorable, cute, and lovely. I could look at her all day. But she rarely sits still long enough for me to keep a close eye on her. But that’s okay, because I want her influence spread around for all to enjoy.

I'm a lucky mom.

Priceless?

One caramel Nips candy that I broke my tooth on: about 3 cents
Root canal and gold crown to repair molar #16: $965
Knowing that I'm supporting the career of a local dentist? Priceless.

Barf!

Even with dental insurance, I will have to pay almost $1000 for one tooth. And that doesn't include the 4 other crowns that I need. I've got awful, soft teeth, and I'm not always 100% on brushing and flossing. I haven't been to the dentist in just over a year, and now I'm kicking myself for waiting so long. I'll have to apply for financing because it'll be a couple thousand to get all the work done that I need. *sigh*

Personal DNA

A quick triplog

I got in from St. George about two hours ago...what a long, hot drive that was! There was massive Vegas/holiday traffic that I hit around Stateline, and in all the normally 5-hour trip was 8-hours. The temperature got up to 120 in the desert, which was no fun at all. But my car did fine, Rosie didn't complain much, and now I'm home resting on my comfy couch.

Here's the short of it-

Friday- left work around noon. Picked up Rosie and hit the road. Decided to take the floor invitation with the cousins. A phone call the morning I left smoothed over some doubts I had about actually being okay to stay. I had dinner with their whole Bluhm family at Olive Garden, and went to bed early to prepare for an early morning.

Saturday- Brandon and Gary ran a half-marathon that ended in Gunlock. The ladies met up at the end of the race to cheer them on. Went back to the house, packed up, and went shopping with Rosie. Ate lunch at Cafe Rio, and did some school shopping for Rosie. Checked in early at the hotel, showered, and waited for my family to arrive. Went swimming, and had dinner at Outback.

Sunday- Slept in a bit, got some breakfast at the hotel, and went to a sacrament meeting in town. Came back to the hotel, bummed around for a few hours, and waited for dad's cold medicine to kick in. We went to Zion National Park, took the tram all the way to the end, did a hike at Weeping Rock, took a bunch of pictures, and visited the museum. Drove back into St. George, picked up some dinner for mom, and visited for the rest of the evening.

Monday- Had breakfast, bummed around the hotel with Mary, and stayed till checkout. Said my goodbyes and got family hugs. Went to the store to buy all the bags of Dill Pickle Lays (only 11 were available) so my coworkers will be happy. Drove for 8 long, hot hours, and now I'm home.

Family = Friends ??

This blog has been a long time coming in my head. It all started around March when I found out that my cousin in Oregon was getting married. I moved from Oregon when I was 13, and after this move I lost contact with most of the members of this particular family. They were the family I grew up thinking was the coolest....cool house, cool cars, cool clothes, etc... They were fun to be around and spend holidays with. Even though I had other cousins that were lovely and fun to be around, and accepted me unconditionally...I wanted these cousins to LIKE me. When I moved away, and as the children in that family grew up, my bond with this family dimmed somewhat. I didn't visit often enough to keep close ties, and it was before everyone was email saavy and cell phone-toting. There's been a part of me for the last decade or so that felt like I missed out on some great years with this family. The last time I've seen any of them was at my Grandpa Watson's funeral in 2002.

Last year, on a whim, I decided to look for these cousins on Myspace. I was happy to find three of them, and quickly added them as friends. One lives in LA, and I was hoping that I would get to meet up with him since we were living in the same metropolitan area. I started leaving comments and inviting him to get together for dinner. Most comments went unanswered, or had a very non-committal reply. I figured it would take some kind of family occasion to finally see them again. When I found out the youngest was getting married, I was thrilled at the thought of an excuse to head up to Portland, renew some old bonds, and reminisce of the good 'ol days.

I sent this cousin an email, full of congratulations. I asked her when the big day was. She gave a very curt reply, stating that I was not invited...no cousins were invited. They didn't have enough money to invited everyone related. This was a shock to me. For both my weddings, I made it a priority to think of every single person I was related to, and make sure they were invited. Even though some family members are not "close" relatives, I can't think of excluding any that were happy to be a part of my celebration. If any family was overlooked, it was a sincere mistake.

Last weekend was the wedding. I got the play by play from my grandma. She said that there were a lot of family member that were not invited. It brought back some of the feelings that I felt growing up...maybe I only get to spend time with these cool people because we have the same bloodline. Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or whatever enough to catch their eye to spend time with? I know I'm a pretty likeable person. I typically make friends quickly, even in the most bizarre situations. But for a family member to not think I'm worth spending time with? I have a really, really hard time with it.

So as I've been mulling over this situation this week, I've been planning this trip to St. George. Friday night was planned to spend with Taylor's cousin and his wife. I had asked a few weeks ago if it was okay to stay with them, and they said they were happy to have Rosie and I come. A few days ago, I called to confirm that we were fine to stay. She said that a few more family members were coming into town, but there should be plenty of room. So tonight around 10:30, as I'm packing up my trip-things, I get a call from this cousin. She says that they have too many people staying at their house, and they just don't have room for us. A huge wave of this, "Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough, etc..." sentiment is rushing through my head. Logically, I understand that the immediate family is more of a priority, and a house can get overcrowded with guests. But this family member is married to Taylor's cousin...who is part of the family HE grew up thinking, "Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough..." and "Am I only spending time with them because we have the same bloodline?"

I'm just not coping with these feelings well tonight. I'm feeling lonely, and vulnerable, and disappointed, and stressed. I had been planning to go to Memphis to see Taylor for the holiday weekend, but decided that airline tickets were too expensive. I wanted to go to SLC to see some close friends and my family, but it's not practical to travel that far in my circumstance. I've already gotten the time off work to head to St. George on Friday. But is it worth a $75 hotel room for me to go up early? Do I want to take the pity offer of "You can stay on the floor if you can't make other arrangements?"

And how do I overcome these self-justified feelings of rejection that may not even be true or valid in the eyes of my extended family? Have I alienated any family members, having them worry if they were "fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough..." for me to like them?? Is is ridiculous for me to assume that family = friends? It makes me envy the people that ARE friends with their family.

These are the life questions that I fear may keep my brain on overdrive tonight. And I don't need a sleepless night if I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow....

So stinking hot!

This week has been a scorcher! I only have so much tolerance for heat, and I feel like I'm at my wit's end. It's hot at home, hot in the car, hot at work....I never seem to feel like I'm at a comfortable temperature. I should be doing homework, packing, cleaning, or anything more productive....but I'm just chilling on my couch in the family room (with the best air conditioner in the house.) I haven't blogged all week, so I'm going to get caught up.

I had my annual review at work. It went pretty well, except I got a needs improvement in adherence to company policies (i.e. internet, email and cell phone use). I've gotta cut down...but it's so hard! Today was the first day that I didn't send a text for an entire workday. It was terribly difficult. What else was said? That's confidential!

Tomorrow I'm heading off to St. George for the Labor Day weekend. I had planned to drive up to SLC, but decided the drive was too long to be the only driver. I told my parents I wasn't going to come...then they called me and asked if we could meet halfway. Unfortunately, it's going to be hot there too. But I'll have a swimming pool at the hotel, and I'll be with family, so I'll be fine. I hope to grab some Cafe Rio and Nielsen's Frozen Custard. I'm toting home as many bags of Dill Pickle Lays that I can find (my coworkers are obsessed!) If you want your chip fix, let me know how many you want.

My urban dictionary word of the day

Snarkolepsy

A disorder characterized by sudden and uncontrollable, though often brief, attacks of snarkiness, usually to the dismay and/or hilarity of both the diseased and onlookers.

Shuffle

Put your ipod on shuffle, and list which songs come out in this order...No Cheating. It's freaky how some are so accurate!

Will I get far in life?
Title:: The Way That You Love Me
Artist:: Paula Abdul

How do my friends see me?
Title:: Childrens Crusade
Artist:: Sting

What's my best friends theme song?
Title:: The A-Team
Artist:: Theme song to the A-Team

What is the story of my life?
Title:: Peace of Mind
Artist:: Boston

What is/was high school like?
Title:: Prison Food
Artist:: Ben Folds

How can I get ahead in life?
Title:: Sweetest Perfection
Artist:: Depeche Mode

What is the best thing about me?
Title:: Collective Heartbeat
Artist:: Howard Jones

How's today going to be?
Title:: Find the Cost of Freedom
Artist:: Crosby Stills Nash and Young

What's in store for this weekend?
Title:: Tongue Tied
Artist:: Aqualung

What song describes my parents?
Title:: Last Beautiful Girl (ROTFL!!)
Artist:: matchbox twenty

How's my life going?
Title:: This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race (LOL)
Artist:: Fall Out Boy

What song will play at my funeral?
Title::We've Only Just Begun
Artist:: The Carpenters

How does the world see me?
Title:: The Ghost in You
Artist:: Psychadelic Furs

Will I have a happy life?
Title:: My one and only love
Artist:: Sting

What do my friends really think of me?
Title:: Common Pleasure
Artist::Jason Mraz

How can I make myself happy?
Title:: Even Better Than the Real Thing
Artist:: U2

What should I do with my life?
Title:: Back to Good
Artist:: matchbox twenty

What is some good advice?
Title:: Ave Maria
Artist:: Viva Voce- A Concert of Images

What is my signature dancing song?
Title:: Promises Promises
Artist:: Naked Eyes

What do I think my current theme song is?
Title:: Policy of Truth
Artist::Depeche Mode

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Title:: Trouble
Artist:: Coldplay

What do I really want from life?
Title:: How Deep Is Your Love
Artist:: Bee Gees

What should I do to help others?
Title:: If I Could Give You More
Artist:: Harry Connick Jr

What should I do to help myself?
Title:: No Such Thing (LOL!)
Artist:: John Mayer

What should I do to succeed in life?
Title:: Bring Him Home
Artist:: Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Showtime!

What is my one important goal in life?
Title:: Hands Clean
Artist:: Alanis Morrisette

Much Better

Just a quick post...I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. There were a lot of emotions that needed to come to a head and I needed to have some deep pondering time. I still don't know exactly what the future will bring for the Bullock family (who ever knows?) But I am struggling less with the inadequacy I felt over the weekend.

I decided that flying out to Memphis would be too expensive over Labor Day. I think I'll drive up to Utah to see my family. Liz might even roadtrip with me to make sure that I don't fall asleep on the 666 mile (seriously!) drive from La Verne to Murray. I need something fun to look forward to, and I think a jaunt up to the SLC may be the ticket.

The last 24 hours...

I will admit it. I'm an emotional person. When I feel anything, I typically feel it very deeply. I typically care too much for things that I shouldn't be wasting my time on, and have a deep sense of guilt for the things that I didn't accomplish because I spent so much time on whatever it was that occupied my time (wow, that was a run-on sentence!). I also am a selectively private person...if I open up about anything personal to others about myself, I blurt it all out on that particular topic. I keep a pretty confident facade toward the public, as I've learned that you are more likely to make friends and be surrounded by positive people if you are positive yourself. But a lot of it is a facade. I have learned the art of the fake smile. But today I can't give a fake smile. I actually feel quite miserable. And where better to share it than in a blog, eh? So here is a inhibition-free account of my life at the present.

The last 24 hours, I have been feeling a massive, raging sadness and loneliness. I have shed more tears than in recent memory. And not just tears...massive, globulous tears that are so big that they slide down my cheeks and down my neck and shirt within about 2 seconds flat. If I lay on my side, my ear will fill up with tears and overflow into my hair. I have a headache the size of Montana. My chin has quivered uncontrollably, and my face contorted to some pretty unattractive positions as I've sobbed myself into oblivion. I cried on the phone with Taylor, cried as I washed dishes, cried as I IM'd a friend, cried as I drove, cried myself to sleep, cried through sacrament meeting, and just got off the phone from crying to Taylor again. I'm crying as I this blog is being written.

And why am I crying??? I am realizing the fact that I'll never be as perfect as I set out for myself to be. My adult life has never been "easy" or "normal" for more than a few months. Large trial after large trial have beset me often. My life is so overwhelming right now...full time work, full time school, trying to be a good parent (who spends sufficient, entertaining, and enriching time with Rosie daily), trying to be healthy and lose weight again, missing my family in Utah, not being a burden on my family here, coping with my husband on the other side of the country for the rest of the near future, etc... I feel like every aspect is sagging in my life...I don't get much positive feedback at work, which makes me doubt if I'm appreciated and meeting everyone's expectations. I'm having a hard time keeping up with my course of study for school (l've already decided against the fast track to graduation). I have gained back over 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, that took me 8 months to lose. I make it to the gym less and less, rely on food for stress relief more and more, wake up later and later in the morning, and haven't been keeping up on daily spirituality (i.e. scriptures, meaningful prayers, PREPARING my primary lesson before Sunday morning)

But the hardest part is being married to a wonderful man that I rarely see. He's finally making strides in his career, got a paycheck this week, and is doing what he needs to do to make our family succeed financially. But he's still far away, I don't know when I'll see him next, and his future plans aren't established securely enough to plan on anything long term. His assignment to Detroit was confirmed this week, but he won't actually go to Detroit for a few months. It would be ridiculous for me to relocate to Memphis for now, but I am wondering if a Detroit relocation will be a reality in the next few months.

Detroit has never been a city I've had any inkling to visit, let alone move to. Yeah, I know there are good neighborhoods and cultural diversity and things that I've come to enjoy in LA...but Detroit? How do you even fathom moving to a region you have never even explored? I don't know anyone that lives there to get an honest perspective on the D-town lifestyle (and although the wikipedia account is thorough, I refuse to base my future on a website.) I don't know how strong the church is there, how far I'd have to drive to a temple, and how I'd cope living away from ALL family when Rosie gets baptized next year.

Yes, I understand that I may be getting ahead of myself at this point. Pinnacle may announce a west coast hub and we'll just be content to stay in So Cal for the time being. But what if moving is the right thing? With the thought of still working full time and moving without my husband here...AACCKK! I can't even hypothesize over it.

I'm tired. I think I'll cry myself to sleep for a Sunday afternoon nap.

Rosie's new 'do

School starts in a few weeks, and Rosie was needing her bangs cut like crazy. I found a coupon for a kids' cut at Fantastic Sams, and it had a picture of an adorable little girl with a shaggy short haircut. The caption said something like "A good haircut will assure you a good seat at the lunch table." She fell in love with the picture, and I think she actually misunderstood that you had to get that haircut for the discount. (She knows how I get about bargains...)

Anyway, we stopped by FS on the way back home after dinner last night. A cute Thai girl (with spiky hair and blue bangs) took three different types of shears and the clipper to my daughter's head. She made it a little shorter than the picture, but it looks so adorable. It's a big change, but she apparently loves it!

Four Way Stop

Recently I have been re-evaluating my driving skills. When I was driving with my dad in Utah, he said that I’ve definitely turned into a ‘California Driver’. I guess it is true; I drive more aggressively and take more risks on the road than I used to. There are more freeways to navigate, some with bizarre interchanges (605 south to the 10 east???) Even when I’m on my game, I tend to narrowly escape possibly cataclysmic collisions.

Despite the SigAlerts, motorcycles zooming past me in the carpool lane, random flashes of “the bird”, sobriety checkpoints, and freeway-parking-lots-for-no-apparent-reason conditions, I think the most annoying part of my daily commute is 4-way stops. I have six that I make between my house, Rosie’s daycare, and work. I think every driver that I encounter at these stops learned to drive out of a different manual. Which is very possible with drivers from different states and countries sharing the road.

The worst intersection is on McKinley, between White and Garey. I have never seen so many people running a stop sign and unapologetically acting like it doesn’t exist. All rules of right of way seem to not apply. Even the Pomona PD officers can’t seem to get it right at that intersection. Sometimes other drivers will wave me through, then immediately peel out and try to plow into me! Does Cami (short for Camarillo, my Camry) have a sign on her, saying “Hit Me! I need the insurance money?!?”

The LA County Fair is coming up in a few weeks, and my drive between work and home crosses through Fairplex territory. I dread the thought of driving home through fair traffic. I can only imagine the havoc of the dreaded intersection with fairgoers not familiar with the area.