Family = Friends ??

This blog has been a long time coming in my head. It all started around March when I found out that my cousin in Oregon was getting married. I moved from Oregon when I was 13, and after this move I lost contact with most of the members of this particular family. They were the family I grew up thinking was the coolest....cool house, cool cars, cool clothes, etc... They were fun to be around and spend holidays with. Even though I had other cousins that were lovely and fun to be around, and accepted me unconditionally...I wanted these cousins to LIKE me. When I moved away, and as the children in that family grew up, my bond with this family dimmed somewhat. I didn't visit often enough to keep close ties, and it was before everyone was email saavy and cell phone-toting. There's been a part of me for the last decade or so that felt like I missed out on some great years with this family. The last time I've seen any of them was at my Grandpa Watson's funeral in 2002.

Last year, on a whim, I decided to look for these cousins on Myspace. I was happy to find three of them, and quickly added them as friends. One lives in LA, and I was hoping that I would get to meet up with him since we were living in the same metropolitan area. I started leaving comments and inviting him to get together for dinner. Most comments went unanswered, or had a very non-committal reply. I figured it would take some kind of family occasion to finally see them again. When I found out the youngest was getting married, I was thrilled at the thought of an excuse to head up to Portland, renew some old bonds, and reminisce of the good 'ol days.

I sent this cousin an email, full of congratulations. I asked her when the big day was. She gave a very curt reply, stating that I was not invited...no cousins were invited. They didn't have enough money to invited everyone related. This was a shock to me. For both my weddings, I made it a priority to think of every single person I was related to, and make sure they were invited. Even though some family members are not "close" relatives, I can't think of excluding any that were happy to be a part of my celebration. If any family was overlooked, it was a sincere mistake.

Last weekend was the wedding. I got the play by play from my grandma. She said that there were a lot of family member that were not invited. It brought back some of the feelings that I felt growing up...maybe I only get to spend time with these cool people because we have the same bloodline. Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or whatever enough to catch their eye to spend time with? I know I'm a pretty likeable person. I typically make friends quickly, even in the most bizarre situations. But for a family member to not think I'm worth spending time with? I have a really, really hard time with it.

So as I've been mulling over this situation this week, I've been planning this trip to St. George. Friday night was planned to spend with Taylor's cousin and his wife. I had asked a few weeks ago if it was okay to stay with them, and they said they were happy to have Rosie and I come. A few days ago, I called to confirm that we were fine to stay. She said that a few more family members were coming into town, but there should be plenty of room. So tonight around 10:30, as I'm packing up my trip-things, I get a call from this cousin. She says that they have too many people staying at their house, and they just don't have room for us. A huge wave of this, "Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough, etc..." sentiment is rushing through my head. Logically, I understand that the immediate family is more of a priority, and a house can get overcrowded with guests. But this family member is married to Taylor's cousin...who is part of the family HE grew up thinking, "Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough..." and "Am I only spending time with them because we have the same bloodline?"

I'm just not coping with these feelings well tonight. I'm feeling lonely, and vulnerable, and disappointed, and stressed. I had been planning to go to Memphis to see Taylor for the holiday weekend, but decided that airline tickets were too expensive. I wanted to go to SLC to see some close friends and my family, but it's not practical to travel that far in my circumstance. I've already gotten the time off work to head to St. George on Friday. But is it worth a $75 hotel room for me to go up early? Do I want to take the pity offer of "You can stay on the floor if you can't make other arrangements?"

And how do I overcome these self-justified feelings of rejection that may not even be true or valid in the eyes of my extended family? Have I alienated any family members, having them worry if they were "fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough..." for me to like them?? Is is ridiculous for me to assume that family = friends? It makes me envy the people that ARE friends with their family.

These are the life questions that I fear may keep my brain on overdrive tonight. And I don't need a sleepless night if I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow....

So stinking hot!

This week has been a scorcher! I only have so much tolerance for heat, and I feel like I'm at my wit's end. It's hot at home, hot in the car, hot at work....I never seem to feel like I'm at a comfortable temperature. I should be doing homework, packing, cleaning, or anything more productive....but I'm just chilling on my couch in the family room (with the best air conditioner in the house.) I haven't blogged all week, so I'm going to get caught up.

I had my annual review at work. It went pretty well, except I got a needs improvement in adherence to company policies (i.e. internet, email and cell phone use). I've gotta cut down...but it's so hard! Today was the first day that I didn't send a text for an entire workday. It was terribly difficult. What else was said? That's confidential!

Tomorrow I'm heading off to St. George for the Labor Day weekend. I had planned to drive up to SLC, but decided the drive was too long to be the only driver. I told my parents I wasn't going to come...then they called me and asked if we could meet halfway. Unfortunately, it's going to be hot there too. But I'll have a swimming pool at the hotel, and I'll be with family, so I'll be fine. I hope to grab some Cafe Rio and Nielsen's Frozen Custard. I'm toting home as many bags of Dill Pickle Lays that I can find (my coworkers are obsessed!) If you want your chip fix, let me know how many you want.

My urban dictionary word of the day

Snarkolepsy

A disorder characterized by sudden and uncontrollable, though often brief, attacks of snarkiness, usually to the dismay and/or hilarity of both the diseased and onlookers.

Shuffle

Put your ipod on shuffle, and list which songs come out in this order...No Cheating. It's freaky how some are so accurate!

Will I get far in life?
Title:: The Way That You Love Me
Artist:: Paula Abdul

How do my friends see me?
Title:: Childrens Crusade
Artist:: Sting

What's my best friends theme song?
Title:: The A-Team
Artist:: Theme song to the A-Team

What is the story of my life?
Title:: Peace of Mind
Artist:: Boston

What is/was high school like?
Title:: Prison Food
Artist:: Ben Folds

How can I get ahead in life?
Title:: Sweetest Perfection
Artist:: Depeche Mode

What is the best thing about me?
Title:: Collective Heartbeat
Artist:: Howard Jones

How's today going to be?
Title:: Find the Cost of Freedom
Artist:: Crosby Stills Nash and Young

What's in store for this weekend?
Title:: Tongue Tied
Artist:: Aqualung

What song describes my parents?
Title:: Last Beautiful Girl (ROTFL!!)
Artist:: matchbox twenty

How's my life going?
Title:: This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race (LOL)
Artist:: Fall Out Boy

What song will play at my funeral?
Title::We've Only Just Begun
Artist:: The Carpenters

How does the world see me?
Title:: The Ghost in You
Artist:: Psychadelic Furs

Will I have a happy life?
Title:: My one and only love
Artist:: Sting

What do my friends really think of me?
Title:: Common Pleasure
Artist::Jason Mraz

How can I make myself happy?
Title:: Even Better Than the Real Thing
Artist:: U2

What should I do with my life?
Title:: Back to Good
Artist:: matchbox twenty

What is some good advice?
Title:: Ave Maria
Artist:: Viva Voce- A Concert of Images

What is my signature dancing song?
Title:: Promises Promises
Artist:: Naked Eyes

What do I think my current theme song is?
Title:: Policy of Truth
Artist::Depeche Mode

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Title:: Trouble
Artist:: Coldplay

What do I really want from life?
Title:: How Deep Is Your Love
Artist:: Bee Gees

What should I do to help others?
Title:: If I Could Give You More
Artist:: Harry Connick Jr

What should I do to help myself?
Title:: No Such Thing (LOL!)
Artist:: John Mayer

What should I do to succeed in life?
Title:: Bring Him Home
Artist:: Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Showtime!

What is my one important goal in life?
Title:: Hands Clean
Artist:: Alanis Morrisette

Much Better

Just a quick post...I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. There were a lot of emotions that needed to come to a head and I needed to have some deep pondering time. I still don't know exactly what the future will bring for the Bullock family (who ever knows?) But I am struggling less with the inadequacy I felt over the weekend.

I decided that flying out to Memphis would be too expensive over Labor Day. I think I'll drive up to Utah to see my family. Liz might even roadtrip with me to make sure that I don't fall asleep on the 666 mile (seriously!) drive from La Verne to Murray. I need something fun to look forward to, and I think a jaunt up to the SLC may be the ticket.

The last 24 hours...

I will admit it. I'm an emotional person. When I feel anything, I typically feel it very deeply. I typically care too much for things that I shouldn't be wasting my time on, and have a deep sense of guilt for the things that I didn't accomplish because I spent so much time on whatever it was that occupied my time (wow, that was a run-on sentence!). I also am a selectively private person...if I open up about anything personal to others about myself, I blurt it all out on that particular topic. I keep a pretty confident facade toward the public, as I've learned that you are more likely to make friends and be surrounded by positive people if you are positive yourself. But a lot of it is a facade. I have learned the art of the fake smile. But today I can't give a fake smile. I actually feel quite miserable. And where better to share it than in a blog, eh? So here is a inhibition-free account of my life at the present.

The last 24 hours, I have been feeling a massive, raging sadness and loneliness. I have shed more tears than in recent memory. And not just tears...massive, globulous tears that are so big that they slide down my cheeks and down my neck and shirt within about 2 seconds flat. If I lay on my side, my ear will fill up with tears and overflow into my hair. I have a headache the size of Montana. My chin has quivered uncontrollably, and my face contorted to some pretty unattractive positions as I've sobbed myself into oblivion. I cried on the phone with Taylor, cried as I washed dishes, cried as I IM'd a friend, cried as I drove, cried myself to sleep, cried through sacrament meeting, and just got off the phone from crying to Taylor again. I'm crying as I this blog is being written.

And why am I crying??? I am realizing the fact that I'll never be as perfect as I set out for myself to be. My adult life has never been "easy" or "normal" for more than a few months. Large trial after large trial have beset me often. My life is so overwhelming right now...full time work, full time school, trying to be a good parent (who spends sufficient, entertaining, and enriching time with Rosie daily), trying to be healthy and lose weight again, missing my family in Utah, not being a burden on my family here, coping with my husband on the other side of the country for the rest of the near future, etc... I feel like every aspect is sagging in my life...I don't get much positive feedback at work, which makes me doubt if I'm appreciated and meeting everyone's expectations. I'm having a hard time keeping up with my course of study for school (l've already decided against the fast track to graduation). I have gained back over 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, that took me 8 months to lose. I make it to the gym less and less, rely on food for stress relief more and more, wake up later and later in the morning, and haven't been keeping up on daily spirituality (i.e. scriptures, meaningful prayers, PREPARING my primary lesson before Sunday morning)

But the hardest part is being married to a wonderful man that I rarely see. He's finally making strides in his career, got a paycheck this week, and is doing what he needs to do to make our family succeed financially. But he's still far away, I don't know when I'll see him next, and his future plans aren't established securely enough to plan on anything long term. His assignment to Detroit was confirmed this week, but he won't actually go to Detroit for a few months. It would be ridiculous for me to relocate to Memphis for now, but I am wondering if a Detroit relocation will be a reality in the next few months.

Detroit has never been a city I've had any inkling to visit, let alone move to. Yeah, I know there are good neighborhoods and cultural diversity and things that I've come to enjoy in LA...but Detroit? How do you even fathom moving to a region you have never even explored? I don't know anyone that lives there to get an honest perspective on the D-town lifestyle (and although the wikipedia account is thorough, I refuse to base my future on a website.) I don't know how strong the church is there, how far I'd have to drive to a temple, and how I'd cope living away from ALL family when Rosie gets baptized next year.

Yes, I understand that I may be getting ahead of myself at this point. Pinnacle may announce a west coast hub and we'll just be content to stay in So Cal for the time being. But what if moving is the right thing? With the thought of still working full time and moving without my husband here...AACCKK! I can't even hypothesize over it.

I'm tired. I think I'll cry myself to sleep for a Sunday afternoon nap.

Rosie's new 'do

School starts in a few weeks, and Rosie was needing her bangs cut like crazy. I found a coupon for a kids' cut at Fantastic Sams, and it had a picture of an adorable little girl with a shaggy short haircut. The caption said something like "A good haircut will assure you a good seat at the lunch table." She fell in love with the picture, and I think she actually misunderstood that you had to get that haircut for the discount. (She knows how I get about bargains...)

Anyway, we stopped by FS on the way back home after dinner last night. A cute Thai girl (with spiky hair and blue bangs) took three different types of shears and the clipper to my daughter's head. She made it a little shorter than the picture, but it looks so adorable. It's a big change, but she apparently loves it!

Four Way Stop

Recently I have been re-evaluating my driving skills. When I was driving with my dad in Utah, he said that I’ve definitely turned into a ‘California Driver’. I guess it is true; I drive more aggressively and take more risks on the road than I used to. There are more freeways to navigate, some with bizarre interchanges (605 south to the 10 east???) Even when I’m on my game, I tend to narrowly escape possibly cataclysmic collisions.

Despite the SigAlerts, motorcycles zooming past me in the carpool lane, random flashes of “the bird”, sobriety checkpoints, and freeway-parking-lots-for-no-apparent-reason conditions, I think the most annoying part of my daily commute is 4-way stops. I have six that I make between my house, Rosie’s daycare, and work. I think every driver that I encounter at these stops learned to drive out of a different manual. Which is very possible with drivers from different states and countries sharing the road.

The worst intersection is on McKinley, between White and Garey. I have never seen so many people running a stop sign and unapologetically acting like it doesn’t exist. All rules of right of way seem to not apply. Even the Pomona PD officers can’t seem to get it right at that intersection. Sometimes other drivers will wave me through, then immediately peel out and try to plow into me! Does Cami (short for Camarillo, my Camry) have a sign on her, saying “Hit Me! I need the insurance money?!?”

The LA County Fair is coming up in a few weeks, and my drive between work and home crosses through Fairplex territory. I dread the thought of driving home through fair traffic. I can only imagine the havoc of the dreaded intersection with fairgoers not familiar with the area.

Ed-u-ma-cation

"You can't let your personal issues conflict with your business or educational goals." Aquarius, Yahoo Horoscope, 8/16/06

I’m just over two months into my semester at WGU. I finished the introductory course (Education without Boundaries), I’m about 2/3 done with my 12 unit Leadership and Professionalism course, and hope to finish another class by November. My switch into working student at WGU has been a lot more successful than the semester I took at the U of U in 2005. I had time to work on coursework while I was working in Pathology, but it was hard taking up an evening a week to been in class. I like a lot of things about the online format. I have a loosely-recommended course of study to follow, but I can excel ahead if I like, or can take a week off if “life happens”.

Getting an education isn’t easy. I was the wife of a student for 4.5 years with Steve, and I’ve been the wife of a student with Taylor for almost 3 years. For all of the procrastination I’ve remedied, flash cards I’ve written, unexpected student fees I’ve paid, and crazy finals’ weeks that I’ve endured…I feel like I should be higher up in the academic spectrum than an undergrad senior. Even though my major is Business Management, I know more about health sciences and aviation than I ever thought I’d know. I should have an honorary triple major or something beyond my second MRS degree. I guess that’s part of being a wife.

Taylor’s nearing the end of his first week at Pinnacle. So far it’s been either basic HR/orientation/introductory stuff, or review of what he was learning at Jet U. Pinnacle pays for a decent extended-stay hotel for their new hires, much nicer than the dorms at Jet U. He’s rooming with Clint, a buddy from Jet U. It’s been a super hot and humid week in Memphis. The Memphis airport is very close to Graceland, but Taylor doesn’t want to brave the heat and crowds for the Elvis’s 30^th Deathiversary.

Smart is sexy

"Being an intellectual is not the same as being a snob. Feeding your brain is sexy"
Yahoo Horoscopes, Aquarius, 8/15/07

So far, nobody knows that I've started this blog. Good thing, since I haven't posted anything a few weeks. I think about what blogs would be fun and witty to post, but I never actually sit down and type it out. Excuses, excuses.

Liz's birthday was last week. On the actual day, I went out to dinner with her and her mom. It is such a hoot to spend time with them together. We had hoped for a gelato run, but we decided to hit a book club instead, and by the time it was over, the gelato shop was closed. The big party was Friday night. The highlight of the evening was Federicos princess cake. Their marzipan is delightful! I met a few more of her friends, reconnected with ones that I met previously, and giggled as Rosie sprayed down and styled Brett's hair with a squirt gun.

Saturday Rosie and I went hiking with Brett in the Santa Rosa mountains near Murrieta. Brett had been talking about a beautifully green area with interesting vernal pools. Unfortunately, the last time he went was in the Spring of 2006, before this massive drought. Everything was dried up, including the pools. But we hiked nonetheless. Rosie led the way through the sweltering heat to the adobes, where we stopped for some food. We played around on the big rocks and took some pictures. On the way back, we spotted some random watermelon vines (one of the only living plants in the area). The hike back was difficult, as most of it was uphill. I stopped for a few "shade breaks" and followed a coyote in a nearby field. We were gone about 3 hours...quite a workout!

Monday night I went to the Gliss show at the Viper Room with Liz and Brett. It was my first show to be "on the list" and have to enter through the velvet rope. We met up with Patrick and Jessie, and rocked out for the next hour. The band before I'd never heard of, and wasn't terribly impressed with. Gliss, however, rocked! I loved how the members traded off instruments, and captured the crowd. The set was fairly short, but definitely worth the drive to Hollywood. After waiting in a cloud of cigarette smoke to meet the band, we headed off to the 101 Cafe. We had hot chocolate and sweet potato fries ("Orgasmic," according to Patrick). I fell asleep on the way back, and finally crashed into bed at 2 am.

Currently, I'm about halfway done with Deathly Hallows. I've hit that point that everyone says you can't put the book down. Unfortunately, I have to put it down to do some homework. But as my horoscope says...smart is sexy. I'd better go feed my brain.

Back to Blogger

I've been a blogger for a few years now, but I never seem to stick with the same blog. I'm giving Blogspot another try. I'll probably post the same stuff on myspace and this place, so forgive my redundancy.

The good news of the day is Taylor's job offer from Pinnacle Airlines. He has been awaiting this call for the past two weeks since his interview. He was hired as a first officer airline pilot for a CRJ-200 jet. He'll start 7 weeks of training in Memphis on August 13. His journey to actually making money as a pilot has been a strenuous, expensive, and unpredictable two and a half year adventure. He'll be living the dream he's had for himself since he was three years old.

Life is once again tolerable and happy. We've had a lot of trials in the last month, and it seems fitting that the job offer came on July 31st...we can start August fresh.

Grrrrr! Thanks, but no thanks...

Sometimes I just don't get the curveballs that life sends me. I just checked my email and got the most generic "Thanks, but no thanks" email. But let me backtrack…About two weeks ago, right when I got back from my trip to Utah, I received a call from the recruitment department at the IHC Employment Center in Salt Lake. They said that they had an excellent position available and wondered if I would like to be considered. Off the cuff, I had a phone interview, was told all about this very prestigious senior executive assistant position for the LDS Hospital CEO. I got the impression that I was exactly what they were looking for. We talked about the negotiability of the salary, and I thought it would a feasible employment option. The recruiter excitedly told me to anticipate a call from the hiring manager within the next week for a phone interview.

The idea of a completely different life change in a short amount of time really threw me for a loop. I looked at a horoscope that basically said that events from last August (starting my current job) would open up a new opportunity around June 28 (the day I got the call) that would suddenly come into my life that would turn my life upside down, and the rest of the year would be much easier. Coincidence? I thought not. Lots of prayer and pondering occurred, and I felt like this would be a good opportunity for the family, even though a move right now would be difficult with Taylor in another state. It was a more prestigious position, at a more prestigious hospital, and I thought it would be good for my career, and good for the family. I rationalized around all the reasons I should stay in Cali, and decided that I would take the job if it were offered to me. I took the risk of talking to my boss, letting her know about how serious I was about considering the new position. I was pretty confident it would work out.

I had the phone interview yesterday, but it wasn't with the hospital executives as I was originally advised on my first call from the recruiter. It was the administrative assistant that works in the department, who would have been my coworker. She asked a lot of the generic HR questions, described the position, and said that 2^nd interviews in person would be scheduled in the next week or so. I didn't really get a vibe either way on if she liked me or not, and figured that she left the door open enough that I was still a candidate in consideration.

All day today I've been poring over the possibilities of moving, stressed over my possible life changes (as well as Taylor's airline interview that was yesterday…which he's had no answer on yet). My work internet has a new filter that wouldn't let me into my hotmail. I opened up to a few coworkers about the possible job, and started looking into airline fares for coming up for a 2^nd interview. When I got home this evening, I opened my email to read this…

We appreciated the opportunity to discuss your experience and background related to this position. We have narrowed the field of candidates to those whose training and experience most closely matches our needs. Unfortunately, you are not among the final group of candidates being considered.

Talk about an impersonal way to respond to a candidate that was RECRUITED by the company! If they weren't genuinely interested in me, why did they think about putting my life through mini-hell for the last two weeks? Why did they hype up the job so much…telling me I was a perfect candidate, and one of the most qualified so far? I like IHC, and had a lot of good experiences as an employee, but I also have had a lot of negative experiences.

For instance:

Two and a half years ago, I interviewed for a position at a clinic within IHC. I had a fabulous interview, got along great with the staff, and was practically dragged from the parking lot back in to have an immediate 2^nd interview. That interview went well; I was given a lot of reassurances about how I'd be a great addition to the office, and left feeling pretty confident. Within a day, the clinic manager called me to say that I was their top candidate; they were finishing up the hiring process, and would be extending the job to me as soon as HR finished their stuff. Two days later, a 30-second phone call from that same manager advised me that HR overrode their decision and decided to hire someone who had previously worked in that office.

How does a large corporation get away with this? It seems the human in HR has turned inhuman.

I need some reassurances that I'm still a good person and qualified individual. I know I am…but sometimes I just need to hear a few compliments. Can you give me a few comments? Any unleashed rage upon the company that's left me in such a whirl the past few weeks?

Senior Year in High School

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it has been, the more fun the answers will be ... maybe. ;)


1. Who was your best friend? - Emily Bytheway and Antoinette Bailey

2.What sports did you play? -I was part of the Academic Decathalon

3. What kind of car did you drive? - Algernon, the white 1993 dodge shadow

4. It's Friday nite...where are you? - On a date if I was lucky

5. Were you a party animal? - I love to go to parties, but rarely got invited

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? - Choir

8. Were you a nerd? - Some would say so

9. Did you get suspended/expelled? - No, but I had a few close calls with getting a "U" for sluffing during long (Calculus )Bell Choir lunches

10. Can you sing the fight song? - Yep

11. Who were your favorite teachers?? - Mr Scott, Mme. Larsen

12. Where did you sit during lunch? - With the Jello-suckaholics Anonymous

13.What was your school's full name? - Murray High School

14. School mascot? - Spartans!

15. Did you go to Prom? - Yes, I went to Senior Ball with David Pattison. I also went with a junior to junior prom

16. If you could go back and do it again, would you? - Yeah...I think I would

17. What do you remember most about graduation? - Singing with A'Cappella

18. Where did you go senior skip day? - Applebees

20. Were you in any clubs? - Drama, French, National Honors Society, Key Club, Bell Choir, MCYG

21. Where did you go most often for lunch.. - Wendys

22. Have you gained some weight since then? - yes

25. Who was your Senior prom date? - David Pattison. I finally said yes to go on a date with him. All through sophomore and junior years, he'd ask me to dances if all other options (aka gorgeous cheerleaders) said no. I finally caved because I wanted to go and didn't know of anyone else that was thinking of asking me. He wore sunglasses all night. What I remember most was him dancing Men in Black with all the other cheerleaders.

26. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? - Absolutely

27. Who was your home room teacher? - Ms. Paulsen

28. Who are you better friends with now than in HS? - Nicole McGill

29. Who was your high school sweetheart? - This is a hard one. I know who I had the biggest unreciprocated crushes on Joe Plott and Jeff Hansen. I usually dated guys from other schools. My longest HS relationships were with John and Alan.

30. Do you still talk to people from high school? - Quite a few...Emily, Antoinette, Nicole, Travis, Nathan, Celeste, Jen, etc. etc.

31. Did you win prom queen or king? - Nope. C'est la vie. (yes, Travis. Just for you....a phrase we must have heard on Telefrancais!)

Utah and Idaho Trip, and a fun family-filled 4th

Current mood: exhausted

These past few weeks have been super fun-filled! My stress level has also been high, so I feel like I'm in a bit of a manic phase right now. I've never been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, but these last two weeks would make one wonder.

So to summarize, here are the highlights of the Utah/Idaho trip:

Attending Jen's wedding reception at Tracy Aviary, and going out with Janet, Jon, Eric and Debbie at Fiddler's Elbow after

Visiting with Grandpa Jack twice

Lunch at Kneaders and shoe shopping with Emily

Seeing my old co-workers at LDS Hospital and Core Lab

Lunch at Mimi's with Heather

Going out on the town with Nicole for Cedars of Lebanon, belly dancing, and the Tavernacle

The Kingdom Event where we cheered on Rosie's little skater boy McCabe

Making contact again with my dear friend Celeste, who I hadn't seen in 5+ years

Going up to Rexburg to see Ricks/BYUI, the new temple, and getting together with the Perry clan

The Taylor Family Reunion at Upper Coffeepot in Island Park, ID. It's gorgeous!

Going to Hatch Park to let McCabe teach Rosie how to sk8

Dinner with Aunt Julie and Lindsey in Provo. A CRAZY morning at IHOP with Jacob, Mary, Rosie and Shawn

Mary and Jacob had so much fun while I was there that they decided to come down to Cali to play for the week of the 4th. Within a few days of me getting home from Utah, Taylor was able to fly home from Florida for a few days. Taylor flew in on Thursday night to LAX. We did a lot of fun stuff together, like a Nikki Forova concert at Synergy Café, seeing Knocked Up, working out together at the new Glendora 24, seeing baby Ava Elizabeth Taylor, and lots of swimming. Mary and Jacob came into town on Monday. Me, Mary, Liz, and Jeanne went to the Fall Out Boy concert at the Honda Center that night. Mary was so tired from the drive that she was falling asleep right with me (how sad is it that I can fall asleep at a crazy-loud rock concert?) I had to work on Tuesday, but met up for lunch with Taylor, Mary, and Jacob at Honolulu Harry's. We were trying to decide if we'd all see Transformers that evening, but all of the plans fell through and I wanted to get caught up on homework instead. The night ended with a gut-busting funny game of Imagin-Iff.

Wednesday was the 4^th of July. I was in charge of the program and music at my 3-Ward flag raising breakfast. I did a musical number called "America-Of Thee I Sing" with Mary, Dayna, and Natalie. We skipped out on the La Verne Parade because it was such a hot day. But we did go to a fun BBQ and swim party at Bishop Green's house. Afterwards we went swimming at Gary and Eleanor's pool. We met up with Lissy and Tyler at La Tolteca for dinner, and Jacob and Taylor went to Transformers with Liz and John Long. I could have gone, but I've had a lot on my mind and knew I wouldn't be able to concentrate and enjoy myself. I went back to Eleanor's (since I was watching Nevaeh) and had a chat about some of my big upcoming life decisions with her, Teresa, and Grandpa Ron (which will be discussed in a later blog). Mary, Rosie and I watched the La Verne and Pomona fireworks from the Kohl's parking lot, and I hit the sack as soon as I got home.

I was feeling terrible when I woke up Thursday morning. I was feeling super stressed (since I was about 6 hours behind in homework), I was sick to my stomach from all the eating the day before, and I knew there was no way I could concentrate at work. Plus, it was my last day with Taylor home, and I couldn't bear being away from him. I actually called in mentally ill to work! I studied for a few hours, rested, went to the gym, chatted with my academic advisor, and got myself re-focused. In the afternoon, we decided to go to Dockweiller Beach to pass a few hours before Taylor's flight out of LAX. I forgot my swimsuit, so I just chilled under the rainbow umbrella and took lots of pictures, waded up to my knees, and rested…breathing to the beat of the waves. It was very therapeutic.

We drove around Culver City and Westwood for a while, trying to find a place that sells clam chowder in a bread bowl. But after an hour we still hadn't found a place. And since we'd skipped lunch, everyone was starving. We ate dinner at Coco's and it was surprisingly good. We did a little more shopping, said our goodbyes, and dropped Taylor off at the airport. On the way back, we missed the exit from the carpool lane for the 605, and ended up driving around a little in a pretty scary area to get back on the freeway (but not before getting sundaes, of course!)

I worked Friday, and felt very refreshed from Thursday to make it through the work day. Jacob and Mary picked me up from work for lunch at El Pollo Loco. After work we packed up our bags and headed south to San Diego. I found a killer deal on a hotel room on Priceline (a 3-star hotel for $60 on a Friday!) When we actually got to the room, I sweet talked the lady at the front desk and she upgraded me to a suite for free! So we got it for $140 under rack rate. After a dip in the pool, it was almost 11:00 by the time we were getting hungry so we drove around for a place to eat, but almost everything was already closed. We settled for CJ's, and headed back to the hotel.

Saturday morning we wanted to go to the beach early, so we could go back to the hotel and shower before it was time to check out. We went to La Jolla, and I took a wrong turn. Instead of the beach I'd intended, it took us to this rocky/cliffy/tide pool area. We decided to get out and explore. There were all sorts of sea life (crabs, baby fish, anemones, etc…) We took a bunch of pictures and trapped a few crabs before letting them go. We drove further south to the first inlet we could found that was a sandy beach. We found a place with a staircase down that said "out of order." Of course we were disregarded it, and hiked down some corroded stairs to the beach. We soon found out that it wasn't just the stairs that made it a bad place to be…there were gigantic piles of seaweed and rotting fish life all over the beach. There was no way to avoid walking on the squishy, stinky stuff. We ended up having to walk almost a mile to a place that was suitable for swimming. It was a slightly foggy morning, so it took a little time to get used to the water, but before long we were body surfing, swimming, and riding the waves. We got a little lost going back to our car, since we wanted to avoid that beach yuckiness. We had to get back to the hotel quick to not miss our check-out time. On the way back to the hotel, we decided that we were having so much fun, and the room was such a good deal…why not stay another night? I was able to sweet talk the front desk again and we got the same killer rate. We showered off, relaxed in the room, and went to Chili's for lunch. We shared lots of chips and salsa and a honey chipotle chicken crispers meal. We drove down to Ocean Beach and Mary, Jacob and Rosie did some more swimming, while I took another nap on the beach (all this playing was making me tired!).

We looked again for a place that sold clam chowder in a breadbowl, and when we found an ad for it…we headed right over. Unfortunately, the restaurant was out of clam chowder, so we shared a huge slice of pizza and a lobster taco. We drove around for a while, got some Starbucks, and went back to the hotel for more swimming. Jacob and Mary were totally sunburned so we had to get some aloe and cooling lotion.

After our continental breakfast on Sunday, we headed back to La Verne. Rosie and I ran to get ready for church, and Mary and Jacob packed up the car for their journey back to SLC. Due to the largest wildfire in Utah's history and Utah county traffic, it took over 12 hours to get home. But they made it safe and that's what matters!

So there's my last 3 weeks in a nutshell. Now it's back to work, working out, and homework.

Currently listening : Stadium Arcadium By Red Hot Chili Peppers Release date: 09 May, 2006

My numbers blog...

Current mood: frustrated

What do the numbers 22, 55, 57, 215, 80, 210, 10, 60, 170, 101, 110, 5, 134, and 405 have in common?

That's all of the freeways I've driven on today. (blech)

What is significant about $158?

Thats how much I've spent just today on filling gas tanks and paying for my Long Beach rental car.

Which two friends willingly came to my rescue today?

Jeanne and Leslie

How many hours of sleep did I get last night?

2.5 hours

How many minutes between the moment I jumped out of bed to leave for the airport and when my flight took off?

63 minutes

I usually don't use blogs to vent, just to update others on my life. But I really feel like I've gotta vent. These last 24 hours have been terrible. I've called a few friends and left messages to get a little support, but nobody's called back. Taylor is already in bed, none of my good friends are in IM now. I'm feeling isolated and like I'm going to burst. It's funny for me to say that I'm so frustrated right now, because yesterday I was basking in the happiness of an absolutely fabulous week in Utah and Idaho. I'll blog about the fun later and post some pics.

Now just as a disclaimer, any named names are just for reference...I'm not writing this blog just to point blame on people. I understand that life is crazy, and you can't plan everything ahead of time. I'm usually pretty easygoing if someone will have to fall through with a commitment. I just am not used to so many falling through at once. Especially when pregnant (my intended ride is, not me) And when you find out you're in a pickle later than it's socially acceptable to call around for help...your options can be very limited. That's why I feel like I'm nearing my breaking point.

So I called around numorus taxi and shuttle companies, and the cheapest ride from Long Beach to La Verne was $85, plus extra for Rosie. I looked on dozens of websites until I found a rental for $60. JB agreed to help me return the rental during the evening, so I went for it...even though it was still more expensive than I could afford.

Then I had to find a sitter to watch Rosie while I go to work. Her summer daycare doesn't start until next week, so for the rest of the week we're scrambling for help. I called everyone in my cell phone contacts to see who could help. Rosie went over to Leslie's house for the day, and I headed off to work.

Work was okay...I little boring and hard to get into. But I survived.

In the evening, I picked up JB and Rosie to help drop off the rental. Unfortunately, we'd only been communicating through texts, and I didn't know that she was meeting a group of friends later in the evening. Instead of a quick 45 min each way to Long Beach, we drove up to Burbank/North Hollywood to meet up for a gathering in Canoga Park. Three hours later...I just barely got home.

I have a splitting headache too. My vision is getting blurry. Time for bed. Hopefully I'll wake up on the right side of it tomorrow.

Currently listening : It Won't Be Soon Before Long By Maroon 5 Release date: 22 May, 2007

My concert addiction

Current mood: nostalgic

If anyone knows me well, I've always been a concert junkie. Ever since I first saw New Kids On The Block at the Memorial Coloseum in Portland in 1991, I was hooked. As a teenager, I always wanted to go to concerts, especially pop-alternative groups. In fact, once I had a #2 wristband for Duran Duran, but my parents wouldn't take me and I couldn't find anyone to go with (this was about a month after I moved to Utah.) Those seats would have been awesome!

The next concert I went to was in 1997 for U2's Popmart Tour. It was at the old Rice Stadium at the UofU. That concert was great! I went with so many cool people, and the showmanship and music was incredible! I thought that show could never been beaten in excitement, and to date it's still one of my favorite concerts.

Sometimes people ask me all the concerts I've been to, so here's a list off the top of my head. I've excluded the opening acts and local/LDS performers because the list would be infinitely longer, unless their show was terribly awesome or influential:

NKOTB 1991

U2 1997, 2005

Savage Garden 1997

Lilith Fair 1998 (Sarah McLachlan, Paula Cole, Cowboy Junkies, Lisa Loeb, etc)

Weird Al Yankovich 1999

Chicago 2000

They Might Be Giants 2000

Sarah McLachlan 1998, 2004 (the night Taylor decided he wanted to marry me)

Barenaked Ladies 2002, 2004

Sugar Ray 2003

Matchbox Twenty 2003

Dixie Chicks 2003?

Butterfly Boucher 2004 (twice)

Sting 2005

Depeche Mode 2005

Howard Jones 2005

Howie Day 2004, 2005

Michelle Branch 2004

Maroon5 2004

Kelly Clarkson 2004, 2006 (Rosie's first concert)

John Mayer 2004, 2006, 2007

Keane 2006, 2007

Rob Thomas 2005

Anna Nalick 2005

Missy Higgins 2005 (an Aussie, one of the best undiscovered talents EVER)

I know there are more that I am missing, but this is just the big name concerts I've been to. I'm sure I've been to at least 50 smaller-name concerts and local-type shows. I'm always up for a show, so if you get extra tickets or want someone to go with, give me a holla!

But the reason I wrote this blog was to write about my adventure with Lizzie last weekend for the John Mayer/Ben Folds/Rocco DeLuca concert at the Hollywood Bowl. I purchased the tickets in March to go with Taylor, but it didn't work out for him to go since he's neck-deep in training at Jet U. So Lizzie and I went, and by the advice of a coworker, we went to Pasadena to the stop for the BowlBus Shuttle. I was told about the madness of the Bowl traffic and parking, so we thought we'd be responsible and economical and take the shuttle. Unfortunately, I read the website wrong and we missed the last shuttle. We had to drive to Hollywood anyway. We drove for almost two hours looking for a parking spot, and the cheapest one was $30 almost 2 miles away. We didn't have anough cash on us to park at most places. So we drove around and around and got hit on by this Haitian Rapper in his funky van, waved to a Raider in a limo (I can't remember his him right off), had a few near-death experiences on Cahuenga, and minute by minute missed more of the show. We finally got in touch with Lizzie's cousin Patrick who lives in Hollywood. He saved the day by letting us park at his place, and then dropping us off at the show. By the time we got seated, it was 9:45, and John Mayer was 2/3 through his set. We'd missed Rocco and Ben Folds entirely

But the songs we did catch were awesome (Dreaming with a Broken Heart, Why Georgia, Waiting on the World, Stop this Train, Vultures,Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, Gravity, and I'm Gonna Find Another You) I wasn't too broken up about missing the rest of John's show since I saw him less than a year ago when Continuum came out. I was however, very very bummed to miss Ben Folds. He doesn't tour very much, so that was my only downside to the night.

I have to say, though...Lizzie makes every situation enjoyable. Even though we missed so much of the concert, we jammed to some good tunes, laughed at the hillarity of the other people madly trying to find parking, and we had fun grabbing hot chocolate with Patrick after the show. I was so tired after it all, that Lizzie drove home and I crashed on her couch.

It's nights like this I'll never forget!

Currently listening : More Than You Think You Are By Matchbox Twenty Release date: 19 November, 2002

So tired, but I can't sleep

Current mood: drained

So it's 3:00 am, I've only gotten 3.5 hours of sleep and I know I'm completely exhausted...but I can't sleep. This has been the case since early April. Some nights I sleep okay...4-6 hours. But usually I wake up multiple times and feel groggy during the day. I saw the sleep specialist last week, who agreed that I need another polysomnography test. I'm waiting on the pre-auth from my insurance.

I'm not sure my exhaustion is just from lack of sleep. Responsibilities at work have increased, I started school last week, I've had a lot of church obligations, and I miss Taylor terribly. Since my asthma attack a few weeks ago, my energy level has plummeted. I don't have the energy to make a full hour of cardio at the gym anymore....20 min is pushing it. I've gained back 7 pounds this month, due to lack of exercise, overeating, and steroids.

Taylor's interview date with Pinnacle has been pushed back a few weeks, so it looks like he'll be in FL until early June. It's still unclear how long he'll have between his interview and his start date in Memphis. I hope we get a week or so, but there are no promises. He'll be in Memphis for two months, then on reserve in Detroit. This year is really going to suck. I wish his flight benefits kicked in sooner so we could see each other more often. Distance has definitely made the heart grow fonder.

I'm feeling a little under-sympathized than I'd hoped at this point. Right when Taylor left, neighbors, friends, and ward members were clammoring to help me. (Babysitting, dinners, etc...) I wasn't that lonely at first, and I was holding up really well. Now that I'm lonely and worn out, I have a really hard time figuring out help with Rosie. Now that I'm in school, I feel like my life is overly scheduled out everyday and I don't get a chance for ALONE time very often. Just about everywhere I go, Rosie goes too. Last night I really wanted to go to a movie by myself, just to get out and enjoy myself....but I couldn't find anyone to watch Rosie. Tonight I'm going to a concert and I can't find any help either. It's hard, since I won't be getting home from Hollywood until 2ish am....and a sleepover really would work better. But since tomorrow's Sunday, a lot of people have a no-sleepover rule for Saturday nights in my ward. I feel like I've over-extended Eleanor with watching Rosie 1-2 times a week. I just don't want people to feel put out...even though Rosie is super-easy to take care of.

I know this too shall pass, but for now I'm struggling a lot. Rosie has been a great help for me not to miss Taylor so much...but I can only handle so much kid-time and kid-activities. I love her to bits, but I'm deep down a person who needs a lot of alone time to refresh and renew myself for my self-imposed overly busy life. Taylor is always telling me to cut out something, but I feel the need to fill up my life even more to not miss him. It is not good that man/woman should be alone.

If any of you are feeling sympathy, let me know if you are willing to help. It seems like my only alone time is from 5-6 pm, from when I get off work until I pick up Rosie from daycare....but most of the time is in the car to just commute home. I'm a go places/do things kinda girl, and I'm usually not content to just stay home every night.

I'll be fine. I know it will....eventually.

Currently listening : Continuum By John Mayer Release date: 12 September, 2006

Tucson...it's a small world after all

I've been trying to sell my Honda Fit for a few weeks. I posted it in a few websites, put signs in the windows, and have been generally promoting it since mid-April. I was getting frustrated that I hadn't had any luck for nearly 6 weeks. I hadn't tried eBay motors because I was under the impression that eBay would take a percentage of the purchase price. But once I knew Taylor was coming home for a few days and could car shop with me, I looked into posting on eBay motors.

Once I logged on, I realized that it was a flat fee to post, and another fee at auction end. Since it was affordable, I posted my car at the beginning of last week. I had a bunch of hits and watchers, but no bids. The night before the auction ended, I got a call from Al in Tucson. He said that he wanted to suprise his wife and buy her a Fit. They had seen one on the road a few days prior, and she immediately fell in love with it. All of the Tucson and Phoenix-area Honda dealerships said it was still a month waiting list and a big market mark-up fee. He was waiting to hear back on financing, but agreed to purchase the car at my Buy It Now price.

The next day he called me to say that his financing was pre-approved, and he wanted to move forward with the transaction. As an afterthought, I mentioned that I was willing to drive the car to Tucson over the weekend so he could have the car asap...as long as he paid my travel expenses. He agreed to do so, and I planned all my travel. Even though the transaction was potentially risky, I had a feeling that I needed to go on faith and everything would work out. Talking to Al on the phone was as fun as talking to a girlfriend. He's a head coach and college sports recruiter, a real jokester, and he plays off my sense of humor perfectly.

I left around 6:45 this morning, had a few stops along the way, and arrived in Tucson around 2:00. I drove to his house, met his wife and kids, and filled out the bills of sale. As I walked into their house, there was a painting on the wall that I used to have a print of a few years ago. We thought it was so funny that we would have the same picture. He wanted to get to know me a little, so I talked about where I've lived, what I do for work, etc... I mentioned that I went to college at Ricks. Al started laughing and said he'd been there recruiting before....then he said that he was LDS too...just not currenly active. How odd is it that a total stranger on eBay would be LDS and have so much in common with me?? The similarities kept happening, which helped me feel good about the transaction.

The funniest thing was how Al told his wife that he was getting her the car she coveted. He took her to a nice restauarant and said "I have a confession to make. I met a woman online named Nicole. She has something that I really want, and she's coming to Tucson to give it to me this weekend." He kept playing off the story for about a half hour, as his wife got more and more furious. Then he fessed up...Nicole was coming to deliver the Fit, which would be her new car. She was slightly excited but still mad that Al led her on. Apparently, she didn't believe that I was coming until I called to say that I was a few miles from their exit to drop it off. That would explain why she took a while to open up to me once I arrived

After all the paperwork was filled out, we went to dinner at a place called Las Margaritas. Then they treated me to the Tucson phenomenon called Egees. They have delicious fruity slushies. I enjoyed it immensely. After dinner they dropped me off at the airport for pick up rental car, I checked into my hotel (Marriott...nice!) and relaxed for a while.

Since he gave me $250 cash to cover my expenses, and I ended up breaking even on the car....Taylor and I decided we could afford a laptop since I started school this week. I shopped around at a few electronic stores and found a basic-ish laptop at a decent price. I don't need a lot of frills, and this one fit the bill. So here I am, blogging away from my hotel room in Tucson. I will have most of the day to sightsee tomorrow, then I'll fly home in the late afternoon.

Currently listening : X&Y By Coldplay Release date: 07 June, 2005

Albuterol Jitters

This morning I was in urgent care for a few hours with an asthma attack. It took two nebulizer treatments and a shot in the butt of steriods to get my breathing calmed down. I still have chest pain, jitteriness from the albuterol, a headache and bodyaches, and an ear infection. The doc told me to stay off work for two days, but I think I'll still go in for at least part of tomorrow.

With my health history of lung failure, I get pretty scared when I have severe asthma attacks. I was so short of breath that I could barely drive the 25 minutes to the only urgent care my HMO covers. I've been asthma-symptom-free since 2004, so it worries me that I've been having symptoms the last week. I'm trying to get a pulmonary/sleep medicine referral through with my PCP. Two months of sleeplessness has brought this immune system down, no doubt.

It's one thing to get scary-sick....it's another to have it happen when your husband is across the country. He needs sympathy too...his car got broken into last night. Grr.

So if any of you want to send me get well wishes, or come to my house and wait on me hand and foot...by my guest.

Goin' Back to School

Going Back to School
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

In the last few weeks, I've decided that it's time to continue my education. I have my associate degree in Humanities, but only have taken 6 credits beyond my AA. Taylor will be finishing up school this summer, and it's time for my education to meet my experience. I'm going to attend WGU online for a BS in Business Management. I will probably do a healthcare admin add-on as soon as it's available. This is a copy of the entrance essay I just completed:

Western Governors University Entrance Essay

As we mature, our attitudes often change, and we learn to view things differently. Think about an important change in your attitude toward a person, a group of people, or a set of ideas, values or traditions.

Write an essay in which you contrast your earlier attitude with the attitude you now hold. Explain why the change has taken place.

When I was a child in elementary school, my least favorite subject was physical education. My P.E. teacher was always in a bad mood, favored the boys, and criticized me for being non-athletic. I grew up in an overweight family that went on an occasional walk on sunny, Oregon days; however, exercise was a chore and I tried to avoid it whenever possible.

I have struggled with my weight since my childhood. Our family would eat large, calorie-laden meals, with heaping bowls of ice cream for dessert. I was teased incessantly for my chubby appearance and cellulite. I became a yo-yo dieter for the next 15 years.

In 2000, I had some massive medical complications after the delivery of my child. My daughter was normal and healthy, but my illness (lung failure with sepsis) was further complicated by my obesity. It was a multi-year process to regain full strength and health. I changed my eating habits, and increased my activity slightly.

Unfortunately, my weight and stress-level always correlated with each other. If I was hungry or lonely or bored, I'd walk to the kitchen for momentary satisfaction. After a period of uninsured-unemployment last year, my weight skyrocketed even higher than I could have ever imagined. I began to experience pre-diabetic symptoms, was lethargic, and had very low self-image. I looked in the mirror and hardly recognized myself.

But instead of using the stress in my life as an excuse, I decided to take a proactive approach to my health. I joined Weight Watchers, signed up with a gym, and began to dedicate my time and energy into becoming the healthy and happy person I always imagined myself to be.

As I diversified my exercise routines and ate correctly, the weight started to come off. I traded around elliptical trainer, weights, treadmill, swimming, hiking, and yoga. My results encouraged me to push myself harder physically. I began to feel the benefits of exercise-induced endorphins, and it felt great! With each step I've taken towards wellness, other areas of my life have fallen into place. At this point, I've lost 35 pounds and become a self-proclaimed fitness nut. I have become more organized in my professional and personal life, and have made new goals for myself, such as finishing my bachelor degree.

I look back at the terrible health habits I grew up with, and can see the early steps taken towards poor health. But my success hasn't just been for myself, it has been for my family. I am the mother of a beautiful six-year-old girl, with the "fat genes" on both sides of the family. I have been able to foster a love for fruits, veggies, grains, and physical activity in her. I encourge her with positivity in healthy eating and lots of physical activity. It is my goal to not only improve my life and health, but to instill these healthy behaviors in her. I hope she never has the self-image issues I faced, and still face from years of dealing with an ugly self-image. I am so happy that I have risen from the poor health habits of my past, and become a more healthy and happy person through the process.

Currently listening: Eyes Open By Snow Patrol Release date: 09 May, 2006