Family = Friends ??

This blog has been a long time coming in my head. It all started around March when I found out that my cousin in Oregon was getting married. I moved from Oregon when I was 13, and after this move I lost contact with most of the members of this particular family. They were the family I grew up thinking was the coolest....cool house, cool cars, cool clothes, etc... They were fun to be around and spend holidays with. Even though I had other cousins that were lovely and fun to be around, and accepted me unconditionally...I wanted these cousins to LIKE me. When I moved away, and as the children in that family grew up, my bond with this family dimmed somewhat. I didn't visit often enough to keep close ties, and it was before everyone was email saavy and cell phone-toting. There's been a part of me for the last decade or so that felt like I missed out on some great years with this family. The last time I've seen any of them was at my Grandpa Watson's funeral in 2002.

Last year, on a whim, I decided to look for these cousins on Myspace. I was happy to find three of them, and quickly added them as friends. One lives in LA, and I was hoping that I would get to meet up with him since we were living in the same metropolitan area. I started leaving comments and inviting him to get together for dinner. Most comments went unanswered, or had a very non-committal reply. I figured it would take some kind of family occasion to finally see them again. When I found out the youngest was getting married, I was thrilled at the thought of an excuse to head up to Portland, renew some old bonds, and reminisce of the good 'ol days.

I sent this cousin an email, full of congratulations. I asked her when the big day was. She gave a very curt reply, stating that I was not invited...no cousins were invited. They didn't have enough money to invited everyone related. This was a shock to me. For both my weddings, I made it a priority to think of every single person I was related to, and make sure they were invited. Even though some family members are not "close" relatives, I can't think of excluding any that were happy to be a part of my celebration. If any family was overlooked, it was a sincere mistake.

Last weekend was the wedding. I got the play by play from my grandma. She said that there were a lot of family member that were not invited. It brought back some of the feelings that I felt growing up...maybe I only get to spend time with these cool people because we have the same bloodline. Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or whatever enough to catch their eye to spend time with? I know I'm a pretty likeable person. I typically make friends quickly, even in the most bizarre situations. But for a family member to not think I'm worth spending time with? I have a really, really hard time with it.

So as I've been mulling over this situation this week, I've been planning this trip to St. George. Friday night was planned to spend with Taylor's cousin and his wife. I had asked a few weeks ago if it was okay to stay with them, and they said they were happy to have Rosie and I come. A few days ago, I called to confirm that we were fine to stay. She said that a few more family members were coming into town, but there should be plenty of room. So tonight around 10:30, as I'm packing up my trip-things, I get a call from this cousin. She says that they have too many people staying at their house, and they just don't have room for us. A huge wave of this, "Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough, etc..." sentiment is rushing through my head. Logically, I understand that the immediate family is more of a priority, and a house can get overcrowded with guests. But this family member is married to Taylor's cousin...who is part of the family HE grew up thinking, "Am I fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough..." and "Am I only spending time with them because we have the same bloodline?"

I'm just not coping with these feelings well tonight. I'm feeling lonely, and vulnerable, and disappointed, and stressed. I had been planning to go to Memphis to see Taylor for the holiday weekend, but decided that airline tickets were too expensive. I wanted to go to SLC to see some close friends and my family, but it's not practical to travel that far in my circumstance. I've already gotten the time off work to head to St. George on Friday. But is it worth a $75 hotel room for me to go up early? Do I want to take the pity offer of "You can stay on the floor if you can't make other arrangements?"

And how do I overcome these self-justified feelings of rejection that may not even be true or valid in the eyes of my extended family? Have I alienated any family members, having them worry if they were "fun enough, or cool enough, or smart enough..." for me to like them?? Is is ridiculous for me to assume that family = friends? It makes me envy the people that ARE friends with their family.

These are the life questions that I fear may keep my brain on overdrive tonight. And I don't need a sleepless night if I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow....

So stinking hot!

This week has been a scorcher! I only have so much tolerance for heat, and I feel like I'm at my wit's end. It's hot at home, hot in the car, hot at work....I never seem to feel like I'm at a comfortable temperature. I should be doing homework, packing, cleaning, or anything more productive....but I'm just chilling on my couch in the family room (with the best air conditioner in the house.) I haven't blogged all week, so I'm going to get caught up.

I had my annual review at work. It went pretty well, except I got a needs improvement in adherence to company policies (i.e. internet, email and cell phone use). I've gotta cut down...but it's so hard! Today was the first day that I didn't send a text for an entire workday. It was terribly difficult. What else was said? That's confidential!

Tomorrow I'm heading off to St. George for the Labor Day weekend. I had planned to drive up to SLC, but decided the drive was too long to be the only driver. I told my parents I wasn't going to come...then they called me and asked if we could meet halfway. Unfortunately, it's going to be hot there too. But I'll have a swimming pool at the hotel, and I'll be with family, so I'll be fine. I hope to grab some Cafe Rio and Nielsen's Frozen Custard. I'm toting home as many bags of Dill Pickle Lays that I can find (my coworkers are obsessed!) If you want your chip fix, let me know how many you want.

My urban dictionary word of the day

Snarkolepsy

A disorder characterized by sudden and uncontrollable, though often brief, attacks of snarkiness, usually to the dismay and/or hilarity of both the diseased and onlookers.

Shuffle

Put your ipod on shuffle, and list which songs come out in this order...No Cheating. It's freaky how some are so accurate!

Will I get far in life?
Title:: The Way That You Love Me
Artist:: Paula Abdul

How do my friends see me?
Title:: Childrens Crusade
Artist:: Sting

What's my best friends theme song?
Title:: The A-Team
Artist:: Theme song to the A-Team

What is the story of my life?
Title:: Peace of Mind
Artist:: Boston

What is/was high school like?
Title:: Prison Food
Artist:: Ben Folds

How can I get ahead in life?
Title:: Sweetest Perfection
Artist:: Depeche Mode

What is the best thing about me?
Title:: Collective Heartbeat
Artist:: Howard Jones

How's today going to be?
Title:: Find the Cost of Freedom
Artist:: Crosby Stills Nash and Young

What's in store for this weekend?
Title:: Tongue Tied
Artist:: Aqualung

What song describes my parents?
Title:: Last Beautiful Girl (ROTFL!!)
Artist:: matchbox twenty

How's my life going?
Title:: This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race (LOL)
Artist:: Fall Out Boy

What song will play at my funeral?
Title::We've Only Just Begun
Artist:: The Carpenters

How does the world see me?
Title:: The Ghost in You
Artist:: Psychadelic Furs

Will I have a happy life?
Title:: My one and only love
Artist:: Sting

What do my friends really think of me?
Title:: Common Pleasure
Artist::Jason Mraz

How can I make myself happy?
Title:: Even Better Than the Real Thing
Artist:: U2

What should I do with my life?
Title:: Back to Good
Artist:: matchbox twenty

What is some good advice?
Title:: Ave Maria
Artist:: Viva Voce- A Concert of Images

What is my signature dancing song?
Title:: Promises Promises
Artist:: Naked Eyes

What do I think my current theme song is?
Title:: Policy of Truth
Artist::Depeche Mode

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Title:: Trouble
Artist:: Coldplay

What do I really want from life?
Title:: How Deep Is Your Love
Artist:: Bee Gees

What should I do to help others?
Title:: If I Could Give You More
Artist:: Harry Connick Jr

What should I do to help myself?
Title:: No Such Thing (LOL!)
Artist:: John Mayer

What should I do to succeed in life?
Title:: Bring Him Home
Artist:: Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Showtime!

What is my one important goal in life?
Title:: Hands Clean
Artist:: Alanis Morrisette

Much Better

Just a quick post...I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. There were a lot of emotions that needed to come to a head and I needed to have some deep pondering time. I still don't know exactly what the future will bring for the Bullock family (who ever knows?) But I am struggling less with the inadequacy I felt over the weekend.

I decided that flying out to Memphis would be too expensive over Labor Day. I think I'll drive up to Utah to see my family. Liz might even roadtrip with me to make sure that I don't fall asleep on the 666 mile (seriously!) drive from La Verne to Murray. I need something fun to look forward to, and I think a jaunt up to the SLC may be the ticket.

The last 24 hours...

I will admit it. I'm an emotional person. When I feel anything, I typically feel it very deeply. I typically care too much for things that I shouldn't be wasting my time on, and have a deep sense of guilt for the things that I didn't accomplish because I spent so much time on whatever it was that occupied my time (wow, that was a run-on sentence!). I also am a selectively private person...if I open up about anything personal to others about myself, I blurt it all out on that particular topic. I keep a pretty confident facade toward the public, as I've learned that you are more likely to make friends and be surrounded by positive people if you are positive yourself. But a lot of it is a facade. I have learned the art of the fake smile. But today I can't give a fake smile. I actually feel quite miserable. And where better to share it than in a blog, eh? So here is a inhibition-free account of my life at the present.

The last 24 hours, I have been feeling a massive, raging sadness and loneliness. I have shed more tears than in recent memory. And not just tears...massive, globulous tears that are so big that they slide down my cheeks and down my neck and shirt within about 2 seconds flat. If I lay on my side, my ear will fill up with tears and overflow into my hair. I have a headache the size of Montana. My chin has quivered uncontrollably, and my face contorted to some pretty unattractive positions as I've sobbed myself into oblivion. I cried on the phone with Taylor, cried as I washed dishes, cried as I IM'd a friend, cried as I drove, cried myself to sleep, cried through sacrament meeting, and just got off the phone from crying to Taylor again. I'm crying as I this blog is being written.

And why am I crying??? I am realizing the fact that I'll never be as perfect as I set out for myself to be. My adult life has never been "easy" or "normal" for more than a few months. Large trial after large trial have beset me often. My life is so overwhelming right now...full time work, full time school, trying to be a good parent (who spends sufficient, entertaining, and enriching time with Rosie daily), trying to be healthy and lose weight again, missing my family in Utah, not being a burden on my family here, coping with my husband on the other side of the country for the rest of the near future, etc... I feel like every aspect is sagging in my life...I don't get much positive feedback at work, which makes me doubt if I'm appreciated and meeting everyone's expectations. I'm having a hard time keeping up with my course of study for school (l've already decided against the fast track to graduation). I have gained back over 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, that took me 8 months to lose. I make it to the gym less and less, rely on food for stress relief more and more, wake up later and later in the morning, and haven't been keeping up on daily spirituality (i.e. scriptures, meaningful prayers, PREPARING my primary lesson before Sunday morning)

But the hardest part is being married to a wonderful man that I rarely see. He's finally making strides in his career, got a paycheck this week, and is doing what he needs to do to make our family succeed financially. But he's still far away, I don't know when I'll see him next, and his future plans aren't established securely enough to plan on anything long term. His assignment to Detroit was confirmed this week, but he won't actually go to Detroit for a few months. It would be ridiculous for me to relocate to Memphis for now, but I am wondering if a Detroit relocation will be a reality in the next few months.

Detroit has never been a city I've had any inkling to visit, let alone move to. Yeah, I know there are good neighborhoods and cultural diversity and things that I've come to enjoy in LA...but Detroit? How do you even fathom moving to a region you have never even explored? I don't know anyone that lives there to get an honest perspective on the D-town lifestyle (and although the wikipedia account is thorough, I refuse to base my future on a website.) I don't know how strong the church is there, how far I'd have to drive to a temple, and how I'd cope living away from ALL family when Rosie gets baptized next year.

Yes, I understand that I may be getting ahead of myself at this point. Pinnacle may announce a west coast hub and we'll just be content to stay in So Cal for the time being. But what if moving is the right thing? With the thought of still working full time and moving without my husband here...AACCKK! I can't even hypothesize over it.

I'm tired. I think I'll cry myself to sleep for a Sunday afternoon nap.

Rosie's new 'do

School starts in a few weeks, and Rosie was needing her bangs cut like crazy. I found a coupon for a kids' cut at Fantastic Sams, and it had a picture of an adorable little girl with a shaggy short haircut. The caption said something like "A good haircut will assure you a good seat at the lunch table." She fell in love with the picture, and I think she actually misunderstood that you had to get that haircut for the discount. (She knows how I get about bargains...)

Anyway, we stopped by FS on the way back home after dinner last night. A cute Thai girl (with spiky hair and blue bangs) took three different types of shears and the clipper to my daughter's head. She made it a little shorter than the picture, but it looks so adorable. It's a big change, but she apparently loves it!

Four Way Stop

Recently I have been re-evaluating my driving skills. When I was driving with my dad in Utah, he said that I’ve definitely turned into a ‘California Driver’. I guess it is true; I drive more aggressively and take more risks on the road than I used to. There are more freeways to navigate, some with bizarre interchanges (605 south to the 10 east???) Even when I’m on my game, I tend to narrowly escape possibly cataclysmic collisions.

Despite the SigAlerts, motorcycles zooming past me in the carpool lane, random flashes of “the bird”, sobriety checkpoints, and freeway-parking-lots-for-no-apparent-reason conditions, I think the most annoying part of my daily commute is 4-way stops. I have six that I make between my house, Rosie’s daycare, and work. I think every driver that I encounter at these stops learned to drive out of a different manual. Which is very possible with drivers from different states and countries sharing the road.

The worst intersection is on McKinley, between White and Garey. I have never seen so many people running a stop sign and unapologetically acting like it doesn’t exist. All rules of right of way seem to not apply. Even the Pomona PD officers can’t seem to get it right at that intersection. Sometimes other drivers will wave me through, then immediately peel out and try to plow into me! Does Cami (short for Camarillo, my Camry) have a sign on her, saying “Hit Me! I need the insurance money?!?”

The LA County Fair is coming up in a few weeks, and my drive between work and home crosses through Fairplex territory. I dread the thought of driving home through fair traffic. I can only imagine the havoc of the dreaded intersection with fairgoers not familiar with the area.

Ed-u-ma-cation

"You can't let your personal issues conflict with your business or educational goals." Aquarius, Yahoo Horoscope, 8/16/06

I’m just over two months into my semester at WGU. I finished the introductory course (Education without Boundaries), I’m about 2/3 done with my 12 unit Leadership and Professionalism course, and hope to finish another class by November. My switch into working student at WGU has been a lot more successful than the semester I took at the U of U in 2005. I had time to work on coursework while I was working in Pathology, but it was hard taking up an evening a week to been in class. I like a lot of things about the online format. I have a loosely-recommended course of study to follow, but I can excel ahead if I like, or can take a week off if “life happens”.

Getting an education isn’t easy. I was the wife of a student for 4.5 years with Steve, and I’ve been the wife of a student with Taylor for almost 3 years. For all of the procrastination I’ve remedied, flash cards I’ve written, unexpected student fees I’ve paid, and crazy finals’ weeks that I’ve endured…I feel like I should be higher up in the academic spectrum than an undergrad senior. Even though my major is Business Management, I know more about health sciences and aviation than I ever thought I’d know. I should have an honorary triple major or something beyond my second MRS degree. I guess that’s part of being a wife.

Taylor’s nearing the end of his first week at Pinnacle. So far it’s been either basic HR/orientation/introductory stuff, or review of what he was learning at Jet U. Pinnacle pays for a decent extended-stay hotel for their new hires, much nicer than the dorms at Jet U. He’s rooming with Clint, a buddy from Jet U. It’s been a super hot and humid week in Memphis. The Memphis airport is very close to Graceland, but Taylor doesn’t want to brave the heat and crowds for the Elvis’s 30^th Deathiversary.

Smart is sexy

"Being an intellectual is not the same as being a snob. Feeding your brain is sexy"
Yahoo Horoscopes, Aquarius, 8/15/07

So far, nobody knows that I've started this blog. Good thing, since I haven't posted anything a few weeks. I think about what blogs would be fun and witty to post, but I never actually sit down and type it out. Excuses, excuses.

Liz's birthday was last week. On the actual day, I went out to dinner with her and her mom. It is such a hoot to spend time with them together. We had hoped for a gelato run, but we decided to hit a book club instead, and by the time it was over, the gelato shop was closed. The big party was Friday night. The highlight of the evening was Federicos princess cake. Their marzipan is delightful! I met a few more of her friends, reconnected with ones that I met previously, and giggled as Rosie sprayed down and styled Brett's hair with a squirt gun.

Saturday Rosie and I went hiking with Brett in the Santa Rosa mountains near Murrieta. Brett had been talking about a beautifully green area with interesting vernal pools. Unfortunately, the last time he went was in the Spring of 2006, before this massive drought. Everything was dried up, including the pools. But we hiked nonetheless. Rosie led the way through the sweltering heat to the adobes, where we stopped for some food. We played around on the big rocks and took some pictures. On the way back, we spotted some random watermelon vines (one of the only living plants in the area). The hike back was difficult, as most of it was uphill. I stopped for a few "shade breaks" and followed a coyote in a nearby field. We were gone about 3 hours...quite a workout!

Monday night I went to the Gliss show at the Viper Room with Liz and Brett. It was my first show to be "on the list" and have to enter through the velvet rope. We met up with Patrick and Jessie, and rocked out for the next hour. The band before I'd never heard of, and wasn't terribly impressed with. Gliss, however, rocked! I loved how the members traded off instruments, and captured the crowd. The set was fairly short, but definitely worth the drive to Hollywood. After waiting in a cloud of cigarette smoke to meet the band, we headed off to the 101 Cafe. We had hot chocolate and sweet potato fries ("Orgasmic," according to Patrick). I fell asleep on the way back, and finally crashed into bed at 2 am.

Currently, I'm about halfway done with Deathly Hallows. I've hit that point that everyone says you can't put the book down. Unfortunately, I have to put it down to do some homework. But as my horoscope says...smart is sexy. I'd better go feed my brain.